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 my book im making

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Fallen
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PostSubject: my book im making   Sat Sep 05, 2009 1:40 am

The sound of an object crashing to the floor from downstairs, a man rushes down only to see a man in black jump through his window with a handful of jewelry, and coins. As the man watched the man in black run away with his valuables a tear came to his eye.
The thief’s name was Roland, a common thief with a great greed. He ran through a dark forest to a cave or as he called it “The Hide out”. It had a skull like entrance that made you want run in fear. As he lit a fire inside the cave, he looked at one of the stolen jewels. He saw his reflection in it; a twenty-two year old with long hair, white as milk. He noticed that his scare around his right eye still hasn’t healed yet; he got that from a viper blade on one of his “expeditions” as he called it. He put the newly found valuables into a bag and went farther into the cave to his lair to find rest for the night.

The next day Roland awoke from his slumber thinking how much the jewelry could be sold for at market. He put on some casual clothes, or what most people would call casual. The usual white shirt and brown overalls that made him seem to be a farmer. He walked out of the lair with a calm stride. Walking in the forest he noticed how beautiful it was, just like his love that had taken everything but his soul from him. As he entered the town, he admired the buildings, hay roof, wood framing, rock and mud exterior. It might be how they where all built but it was different for some reason in this town. He made his way to a peddler which where in town square. He showed the peddler the jewelry; the peddler asked “Why would you want to sell such nice jewelry?” Roland answered “Just getting rid of bad memories” the peddler replied, “Okay, five hundred golden coins?” Roland smiled and took the sack of golden coins from the peddler.

Roland sat under a tree and looked for someone that could give him his next pay day. Weirdly today he only saw peasants. Then only a couple of hours before dusk he sees a man wearing a strange ring. He wanted it, not to sell but for his own. Roland stealthily stalked the man to his house, and waited for the sound of nothing. He picked the door open and sneaked upstairs to the man’s bed room. The man was sleeping in his bed like a dead man wearing the strange ring. He silently removes the ring from the man’s finger, and puts it on his own the man wakes and begins to laugh. Roland became displeased with everything he does for some reason and wondered why the man is laughing. The man chuckled, “So Sir, how do you like the ring of displeasure? Oh and you can’t take it off yourself, you need some to take it off for you. I recommend a thief.” As he laughs him self to sleep, Roland tries to pull it off his finger but can’t. Roland, depressed goes to his hide out and tries to sleep.

The next morning Roland felt greatly depressed as he walked out of his lair.
He tried to be happy but he couldn’t. He starts to think of a way of getting the ring off. He thought maybe I can trick someone to take it off for me! He went to a peddler and said “How much will you pay for this ring?” the peddler answered “none, I don’t want that ugly thing in my inventory.” As he went to each peddler they said almost the same exact thing. Even more depressed now he goes back to his lair to think of more ways to get it off his finger.



This story was made by me i am going to make it better when i really make the book tell me what you think of it and way longer xD
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Fallen
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PostSubject: Re: my book im making   Sat Sep 12, 2009 12:38 am

lol no1 is going to comment on the book im making? :o is it that bad?
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Vanguard
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PostSubject: Re: my book im making   Sat Sep 12, 2009 12:42 am

nah I am sure its fine I just dont like reading english books. I just dont get "in" it.
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PostSubject: Re: my book im making   Sat Sep 12, 2009 4:22 pm

Or, the fact is ppl are too lazy to read it xD, hold on lemme read

EDIT:

Mistake 1:
Original: It might be how they where all built but it was different for some reason in this town.

Fixed: It might be how they were all built, but it was different for some reason in this town.

Mistake 2:
Original: He silently removes the ring from the man’s finger, and puts it on his own the man wakes and begins to laugh.

Fixed: He silently removes the ring from the man’s finger, and puts it on his own. (<- forgot to put a . ) The man wakes up and begins to laugh.


Mistake 3:
Original: He thought maybe I can trick someone to take it off for me!

Fixed: He thought: "Maybe I can trick someone to take it off for me!"


Aside from the mistakes, the story is brilliant.
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Fallen
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PostSubject: Re: my book im making   Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:16 am

Chapter one
The Thief

The sound of an object crashing to the floor from downstairs, an elderly man rushes down only to see a man in black jump through his window with a handful of jewelry, and coins. As the man watched the man in black run away with his valuables a tear came to his eye. The thief’s name was Roland, a common thief with a great greed. He ran through a dark forest to a cave or as he called it “The Hide out”. It had a skull like entrance that made you want run in fear. As he lit a fire inside the cave, he looked at one of the stolen jewels. This piece of jewelry was a ring with a diamond the size of an arrow head. He saw his reflection in it; a twenty-two year old with long hair, white as milk. He noticed that his scare around his right eye still hasn’t healed yet; he got that from a viper blade on one of his “expeditions” as he called it. His cornea had a frosty blue of hatred. He put the newly found valuables into a bag and went farther into the cave to his lair to find rest for the night.

The next day Roland awoke from his slumber thinking how much the newly found valuables could be sold for at market. He put on his commoner clothes, a white cotton shirt and doe skin pants. He walked out of the lair with a calm stride. Walking in the forest he noticed how beautiful it was, just like his love that had taken everything but his soul from him. As he entered the town, he admired the buildings, hay roof, wood framing, rock and mud exterior. It might of been how they were all built but it was unique for some reason in this town. He made his way to a peddler which where in town square. He showed the peddler the jewelry; the peddler asked “Why would you want to sell such nice jewelry?” Roland answered “Just getting rid of bad memories” the peddler replied, “Okay, five hundred golden coins?” Roland smiled and snatched the sack of golden coins from the peddler.

Roland went around the markets looking for items that seemed unique items. As he walks by a peddler with a weaponry shop open, some thing catches his eye. It was a blade; it shined like sun with jagged teeth that curved at the tip it would surly stick to any thing it bite into, doing more damage when pulled out then left in. The handle was curved so it would be faster to rip the blade out. As Roland lifted the blade in the air to observe more closely, he noticed writing on the blade. He could not make it out. He asked the peddler “How much for this blade you carry.” The peddler answer, “Six hundred gold coins for that piece of work.” Roland replied “But, four hundred is all I have will you take this?” The peddler with a grin look on his face, and answered “No, six hundred and that’s final.” Roland angered walked away.

Hiding in the nearby tree, Roland watched the peddler, waiting, ready to steal that unique blade of his at any time. Dusk approaches and the peddler begin to pack his inventory. The peddler conceals his unique blade and puts it around his arm. Roland stealthily sneaks up, and grabs the unique blade. The peddler didn’t seem to notice that it was gone. Roland ran to his lair to observe his new prize with out worry.

He pressed a lose stone in his layer that reviled a new room where he hid his most valuable and unique items. He placed the blade in the middle of the new room. He stood and admiring his lair. The sturdy light brown rock walls that curved at the bottom, the secret room he discovered, his bed nicely made with soft cotton, and the torches that were hung just right to get maximum light. So proud of his lair he reclines in his bed, and falls asleep.

Chapter Two
The old man

Roland sat under a tree and looked for his next pay day, but today was a slow day. Then only a couple of hours before dusk he sees a mid forties year old, grey as smoke from a fire haired, man wearing a strange ring. He wanted it, not to sell but for his own. Roland stealthily stalked the man to his house, and watched him. He waited till the candle light dimmed, then he picked the door open and sneaked upstairs to the man’s bed room. The man was sleeping in his bed like a dead man wearing the strange ring. He silently removes the ring from the man’s finger, and puts it on his own. The man wakes up and begins to laugh. Roland became displeased with everything he does for some reason and wondered why the man is laughing. The man chuckled, “So Sir, how do you like the ring of displeasure? Oh and you can’t take it off yourself, you need some to take it off for you. I recommend a thief.” As he laughs him self to sleep, Roland tries to pull it off his finger but can’t. Roland, depressed goes to his hide out and tries to sleep.

next version any ideas to improve it or ideas for later in the story?
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Demosthenes
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PostSubject: Re: my book im making   Thu Oct 15, 2009 10:17 pm

It reminds me of one of the Brother Grim tales O.o
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